Big Bang Lunacy
by Risknight
Summary: A collection of short stories inspired by my son's frequent insistence that we watch more Looney Tunes.
1. Big Bang Looney

The four men crowded around the counter and it's assortment of beakers, test tubes and microscopes. Each one of them wore safety goggles over their eyes, making it hard to see their expressions of intense concentration. Sheldon reached out one hand and gingerly lifted a tube of clear fluid. He carefully measured out 5 mL of the liquid and added it to a glass beaker sitting on a burner.

The liquid inside became cloudy and bubbled slightly. Each man held his breath for a moment, until the fluid settled and became still once more. Leonard drew in a shaky breath and picked up a small petri dish and scooped out a small amount of coarse crystalline powder.

"Careful," Howard whispered warily. "Just ten grains."

"I know," Leonard hissed, using a tweezer to drop the required number of grains into the beaker.

Raj picked up a glass cylinder half full of a greenish fluid, waiting for his turn.

"Whatcha doing?"

All four men jumped as Penny's voice cut through their concentration. They watched in horror as Leonard's hand jerked and a bunch of crystals fell into the beaker. The liquid inside began to smoke and bubble ominously.

"Hit the deck!" Howard screamed, diving behind the couch. Leonard shrieked and threw himself down the hall. Raj seemed frozen in place. Sheldon hurried around the counter and pulled the calendar off the wall. Behind it was a glass fronted box that read **IN CASE OF PENNY, BREAK GLASS**.

He smashed the glass with a meat tenderizer and pulled out the metal box inside, turned back to the counter and tossed the smoking beaker inside it. He slammed the lid shut, grabbed Penny and Raj by their elbows and pulled them a couple of feet away. There was a muffled explosion from the box a couple of seconds later.

Sheldon turned toward Penny who gave him a sheepish look. "Um, sorry?" she offered hesitantly.

Leonard and Howard slowly rejoined the group. "You have a titanium bomb disposal box?" Howard asked, his voice a mixture of shock and envy.

"With Penny around, I deemed is a necessary precaution," Sheldon said with a sigh. He grabbed some oven mitts, picked up the box and carried it to the closet. Penny followed and opened the door for him. The guys watched with surprise as a sheepish Penny pulled out a large metal drum with hazard stickers all over it. She lifted the lid and Sheldon placed the box inside before resealing the drum.

"Why didn't I know that was there?" demanded Leonard.

"You never asked," Sheldon said calmly.

"How many times have you had to use it?" Howard asked.

Penny blushed a light pink. "Four," she mumbled.

Sheldon sighed and returned to the counter to begin setting up for their experiment again. "Five. You always forget the erupting chicken."

Penny grimaced and headed toward the door. "Fine. Five. I'll go order another box."

"Thank you," Sheldon said. "Use the VISA card this time. You maxed out the Discover card on shoes."

"Whatever," she called back as the door closed.

Leonard shook his head tiredly. "I will never understand your friendship with Penny."

Sheldon sighed softly. "Neither will I."

* * *

Raj looked at the inn with trepidation. Lightning lit up the sky for a heartbeat and he jumped, grabbing onto Penny's arm. He desperately tried to tell her with his eyes that he didn't want to go inside, but Penny just patted his arm tiredly.

"Come on, sweetie," she said with a yawn. "It's about to storm and I have no intention of sleeping in a broken down car in an empty garage parking lot." She went inside and walked over to the check in desk. A pale man with dark eyes watched them silently.

"Hi," Penny said, pulling her wallet out of her purse. "Can we get a couple of rooms for the night? Our car broke down and my cell phone is dead."

The man grinned slowly. Raj struggled not to pee himself at the creepy gesture. "We only have one room," the man replied in a deep voice.

Penny sighed and nodded. "Fine." She handed over her credit card and signed the register.

Raj whimpered as the man's black eyes speared him. He grabbed Penny's arm again, but she was too tired to do more than pat his hand again. She turned toward the staircase and began heading up to the second floor. Raj stayed so close that if she stopped suddenly, he probably would have run her over.

They found their room easily and Penny unlocked the door and pushed it open. The creaking sound sent a shiver up his spine. The room was pretty sparse, holding only a dresser, bed and small table with one chair. Penny flopped down on the bed and kicked off her shoes.

"Come on, sweetie," she mumbled. "Get some sleep."

Raj eased onto the other side of the bed and hugged his pillow to his chest. Seconds later, Penny was fast asleep. He stared at her in disbelief. How could she sleep in this horrible place? he wondered.

Soon his eyelids began to droop and he scooted into a more comfortable position. He pulled the blanket over himself and yawned widely. Just as he was about to try and get some sleep he saw a long shadow inching up the wall. He froze as the shadow widened and began to take a more recognizable form. With a scream he shot up in the bed and grabbed Penny tightly.

"Ahh!" Penny jumped up, almost dragging him off the bed. She looked around the room wildly. "What?! What's wrong?"

Raj whimpered and pointed across the room. Penny stared at the shadow with confusion. She turned to Raj with wide eyes. "A shadow? You scared the heck out of me because of the shadow from the tree outside?"

Raj almost gave himself whiplash turning to look out the window. He felt foolish when he saw the tree branch swaying in the wind. He turned back to Penny sheepishly and she shot him a sleepy glare. "Get some sleep, you big ol' scaredy cat."

Penny settled back in the bed and went back to sleep almost immediately. Raj looked at the tree branch again, mentally chastising himself. He laid back down and shifted around to get comfortable. He was just about to close his eyes when he noticed the portrait on the wall.

It seemed to be staring at him. A bit weirded out, he decided to throw something over it so he didn't have to look at it. He stood and walked over to the dresser, hoping to find a pillow case or towel. He froze as the eyes followed him.

Just an illusion, he told himself. A trick of light. He took another step and the eyes blinked. With a loud scream he jumped back into the bed and wrapped himself around Penny tightly.

"WHAT THE FRAK?!"

Penny shoved at Raj, but he only clung tighter with one arm as he pointed to the portrait with the other. Penny kept trying to dislodge the Hindu barnacle as she looked across the room. "It's just a stupid picture! You act like we're going to be murdered in our sleep!"

She shook him off finally and ran a hand through her hair. "Okay, look," she growled. "I'm exhausted. So, this can go one of two ways. You either let me get some sleep, or I swear to god I'll string you up by your toes and hang you from that tree outside. Understand?"

Raj whimpered and nodded. Penny glared at him for another couple of seconds before laying back down and closing her eyes. Raj scooted closer to her and suddenly a fist was under his nose, waving threatening. He wrapped his arms around his knees and pressed his back to the headboard. He tensed even more as the door slowly swung open.

(Morning)

Penny rubbed the sleep from her eyes and sat up in the bed. She looked over at Raj who was almost as pale as Sheldon and stiff as a board from sitting up all night. "You know, I slept great," she said happily. "Maybe we should stay a few more days and get really rested up."

Raj's eyes widened even more and he jumped from the bed. He grabbed Penny's wrist with one hand and her shoes with the other. He raced out of the room, down the stairs and out onto the sidewalk in only a couple of seconds. By the time Penny managed to catch her breath and pull him to a stop, they were three blocks away, almost to the garage where they had left her car.

Penny slipped her shoes back on and shook her head at him with annoyance. "Big old 'fraidy cat," she muttered, leading him on to the garage.

* * *

 **A/N: My youngest absolutely loves Looney Tunes. He has several DVD sets that he watches as often as I'll let him. While watching with him the other day, I was suddenly hit by a very insistent plot bunny. What if the Big Bang characters were in those skits? I chose a few of my favorite and began writing. The first is loosely based on an amalgamation of all the mad scientist sketches. The second is based on Claws For Alarm.**


	2. Rebel Sheldon

Penny was sunbathing on the roof and almost completely relaxed. It was almost the perfect day. The only thing keeping it from being perfect was the 6'2" shadow currently tapping his foot on the concrete beside her chair. She thought about continuing to ignore him, but he was beginning to block her sun. With a sigh she shoved her glasses up on her head and looked at him.

"Yes?"

He held out a piece of paper and shook it in her face. "Explain this."

Penny grimaced when she looked at paper. "It's a list."

"I know it is a list," Sheldon growled. "Would you please explain this rating system?"

"It's just a silly game," she said. "I was playing it with some girlfriends. Basically, you list the guys you know and rank them from most aggressive to least, with a ten being highest."

"Why is there a 2 beside my name?" he demanded.

She looked at him as if he was being simple minded, which only served to annoy him more. "Sweetie, you are the least aggressive person I have ever met."

Sheldon twitched for a full minute before shoving the paper into his pocket. "We'll see about that!"

Penny watched him storm off, shrugged unconcernedly and went back to sunbathing. No way would Sheldon ever be more than a 2.

* * *

Penny yawned widely as she stumbled from her bedroom toward the kitchen. She filled the coffee pot with water and reached for her can of Folgers only to find it empty. That was surprising since she was certain she had just bought a new can. Deciding she must have only thought she bought more, she grabbed a mug and headed toward the door.

It was Saturday, so she knew Leonard would be home and likely have a pot on. She crossed the small hallway and reached out to open the door, but it was locked. Frowning, she knocked loudly. Maybe they were out? A moment later she heard the lock turn and the door opened a few inches, held in place by the chain.

"Yes?" asked Sheldon calmly.

Penny gave him a tired smile. "Hey, sweetie. I've run out of coffee. I thought I'd steal some of Leonard's."

"No."

For a moment Penny was sure she had misheard him. "Huh?"

"You may not have any of our coffee," Sheldon said firmly. "I have decided to assert my more aggressive nature and forbid you to impose upon us."

Penny gawked at him for a full minute before her sluggish, half-asleep brain caught on to his words. "You won't let me have coffee because of that stupid list?"

Sheldon smirked at her. "Find a real #2 to borrow from," he suggested before closing the door and locking it again.

Penny's jaw dropped as she stood there dumbfounded. What the hell?!

* * *

Penny toed off her shoes and plopped down on he sofa with relief. A twelve hour shift on a Sunday could be brutal sometimes. She sipped her iced cappuccino as she opened up Age of Conan. A little killing and marauding was just the thing to relax her.

Half an hour later Leonard crept down the short hallway, his jaw hanging open, as he listened to Penny shout obscenities outside the apartment door. Sheldon was leaning beside the door, arms crossed over his chest with satisfaction.

Leonard swallowed nervously as he inched closer. "Um, want to catch me up?"

Sheldon held up a hand for silence. Penny kicked the door and cursed a few more times before stomping back into her apartment and slamming her door shut. Sheldon looked over at Leonard gleefully. "Queen Penelope was engaged in a battle against a small barbarian horde. She lost, and it displeased her."

Leonard groaned and rubbed his eyes wearily. "I take it she asked you for help and you said no."

Sheldon shook his head as he crossed over to his desk. "I was leading the barbarian horde."

Leonard's eyes bugged out. Ever since she had taken back up AoC, Penny and Sheldon had always campaigned together. "You fought against Penny? Why?"

Sheldon gave Leonard his 'kill the Batman' grin. "I was feeling aggressive."

* * *

Penny grimaced as the guys took their usual table. The last thing she wanted to do was deal with Dr. Ego, today. She squared her shoulders, filled four glasses with water and walked over to the table, a fake smile plastered on her face. "This is new," she said calmly. "What brings you guys here on a Monday?"

Howard, Raj and Leonard all shot Sheldon a wary look before facing her again. "Just wanted a change of pace," Leonard offered weakly.

"Are we to be subjected to banal chitchat or will you perform the duties for which you receive your pay?" asked Sheldon firmly.

Gritting her teeth behind her smile she opened her order pad and dug a pencil out of her apron. "What can I get for you?"

"I would like to hear about the specials," Sheldon said, crossing his arms over his chest smugly.

Penny leaned down and looked him in the eye. "Sheldon, drop this now. You _really_ don't want to play this game."

He leaned forward slightly, his eyes glittering with determination. "What is wrong, Penny? Am I being too aggressive for you?"

She braced a palm on the table and closed the gap between them to a couple of inches. "Man, you are playing with forces beyond your ken."

Sheldon was not about to be outdone, especially when it came to having his own words from a couple of months ago thrown back in his face. He moved two inches closer, now able to feel her breath on his cheeks. "Your ken can kiss my Barbie!"

"Deal," Penny said in triumph. All four men were stunned as Penny darted that scant inch closer and pressed her lips to Sheldon's. Her free hand snaked around to the back of his neck to hold him in place.

Sheldon could not restrain the gasp he gave, which allowed her to thrust her tongue alongside his own. Revulsion washed over him, as he always expected. What he wasn't expecting though, was the surge of pleasure that followed. That was shocking enough to make him to jerk away and fall out of his chair.

Penny licked her lips, which made his heart skip a beat, before raising back up. "You know what, Sheldon? I think you were right. You're not a 2 on the aggression scale. I overestimated." With a flip of her ponytail Penny turned and sauntered away.

"What the hell?!" demanded Leonard jealously.

Sheldon got back into his chair with no little difficulty, since his knees were very wobbly. He picked up his water glass and gulped down half of it. He met his friend's eyes with embarrassment and anger. "Penny and some female friends ranked the men they knew on a scale of 1 to 10 for aggression. She gave me a 2. I was attempting to disprove her ranking."

Raj began chuckling which quickly turned into a full blown belly laugh. It took him a few minutes to calm down enough for him to explain. "Dude! That's a game women play all the time! It's not about how aggressive you are in life! It's about how aggressive you are when it comes to sex!"

Sheldon blushed a bright red while Leonard and Howard stared at Raj in astonishment. Sheldon cleared his throat delicately. "Oh. Well, it seems I may have misunderstood."

Leonard groaned and dropped his head into his hands. He's been trying to date Penny for over a year and she kisses Sheldon like her life depended on it. He just could not catch a break!

Howard leaned across the table toward Sheldon. "What rating did I have?"

* * *

 **A/N: Inspired by Rebel Rabbit, in which Bugs Bunny finds out the bounty for rabbits is only 2 cents because rabbits are considered harmless, which makes him stir up trouble to prove everyone wrong.**


End file.
